today lets talk about something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for the last couple of weeks. i have heard from different s-types over and over again how much they sometimes feel like they have to much power in the decision making process of things, i'm not talking about the negotiations, obviously if you are in a relationship you should have done that part already. What i am talking about is the everyday things, like schedules for instance. When you first got together with your s-type you were the one that asked what their schedule was and then told them what your schedule was and when you wanted to get together with them and what you wanted to do.
In many cases this changes over time and the s-type is asked to take over the calendar for the D-type and is now left in "charge" of making all of the plans for the both of you, many times leaving the s-type to feel like they are topping from the bottom, even though this is what you have asked from them. Especially if they are the only one who is making the plans and you are just asking "what are we doing tonight".
You see in doing this the s-type is once again placed in the one position that they did not want to be in, the position that they have asked You to take in their lives. This usually comes after months of being in a relationship with another person that this scenario starts to happen, but when it does it is subtle at first and the s-type doesn't often see it as anything other than helping out at the time. Over time though if it continues and the s-type has to continually be the one making all of the decisions about what you are doing and where you are going it starts to erode away at the little side as well. Putting an extra burden on the s-type to plan out all of your activities takes away from the child like ways of the little, they didn't sign up to be your Daddy/Mommy it was the other way around.
Don't get me wrong here i know that not every dynamic is the same, each one is set up differently this is just an observation that i have noticed recently, maybe it comes down to Dominates becoming complacent or busy, maybe it's that the s-types have taken to much control over the relationship and not let them do what they want, i don't know, what i do know is what i see, and that is the frustration within a lot of s-types who are overwhelmed with so much going on and don't know exactly what to take off their plate. What i am not seeing is a lot of Daddy's/Mommy's stepping up to the plate and planning any fun outings for their littles to have get together's or have play dates and this makes this little sad.
This past weekend i was out at a friends house having the same conversation that i have had so many times with people trying to figure out what they want in a Daddy/Mommy. This is not to say that they didn't know what they wanted it was just that most people have a general idea of what they want in the relationship or they have a fantasy about what kind of relationship they want and this often leads to disappointment. Anyway, as we were talking i once again went over what i say to most people before they even get involved with anyone. i highly recommend that everyone take a close look at themselves and evaluate what are your needs, wants and desires.
By needs i mean what do you really need out of the relationship with a Daddy/Mommy? What role are you looking for them to fill? Are you looking for someone to fix you? Needs are things that you absolutely cannot live without within a relationship with a Daddy/Mommy. These would be some of the most important things to you. Are there any ethical or moral concerns that you need to consider when making your list? Remember that when you get into this type of relationship they are all about trust and you need to consider all aspects of your potential Daddy/Mommy before diving in head first.
Some of mine are, trust, communication, affection, love, encouragement, growth, playtime, respect for me and my work, laughter, patience, great sex, and quality time. If any of these were missing they would become deal breakers for me and i would seriously consider ending the relationship. This may sound really harsh to some of you but life is to short to spend your time in a relationship that is not working for you.
What are your wants, these are the things that you really would like to have but are not deal breakers if you can't have them. What would you really like to have in the relationship that you feel would enhance it or make it better for you? These are the things that often times change over the years as our tastes change. We all have things that we would really like to have in a relationship, healthy partners, well behaved children all the time, a maid. Most of us don't have them and can't have them so they are not deal breakers for us.
For me i want to be encouraged to try new things, go new places, have new dresses and shoes to play dress up, a puppy. None of these things are deal breakers for me but they are really high on my priories list.
Now to your desires? These are your deepest fantasies that you may or may not wish to have fulfilled. It really doesn't matter what they are, what matters is that they are yours and that you should acknowledge them even if they make you uncomfortable. No one should ever judge you for these fantasies or desires, if they do, you should kick them to the curb, they are not worthy of you. Each persons desires are going to be a little different and some might be allot different from others, that doesn't make them any less important. i'm not just talking about your sexual desires here either, these could be your desires to travel the country or own a big house in the mountains. For some people these things can be deal breakers for others they are a dream that hopefully will happen one day. Make sure to put each thing in its correct category according to what significance you place them in your life.
Where i am going with all of this is to help you to get a clear picture of what you really want in a potential Daddy/Mommy. By making a clear list of your needs, wants, and desires you will have these things in the back of your head when you meet with potential Daddy/Mommy candidates and will see any red flags before becoming to involved. I also recommend that you go back and look at this list at least every six months and revise it to add or delete things as needed.
This is also a really good things for Daddy's/Mommy's to do as well so that they will have a clear picture of what they are looking for in their little and how that person really matches up with the fantasy they have in their head.
One last thing, when making your list make sure that you are realistic in what you are looking for and remember that we are all human. That being said don't give up on your own core values and principles these are what make you who you are don't compromise on these just to have a relationship with someone else.
Do you have a drop kit? Most of us have play bags, that we take with us to the clubs or keep at home in a special place just for when we want to scene. We have our aftercare bags all set up for when we do scene, but what about your drop kit? Have you thought about it? Many of us don't think about going through drop until it is actually happening to us.
So what should you have in your drop kit and what should it look like??? Well....that all depends on you, really i mean it. Not everyone gets subdrop, but from those of us who do get it we know hard it can be and what an emotional roller coaster it is. With that being said, what are the things that comfort you the most when you are sad? What are the things that you use to self sooth? What movies do you like to watch when you are in little space that make you happy? What are your favorite snacks? These are the things that you will need in your drop kit, along with your favorite blankie and stuffies to keep you company if Daddy/Mommy can't be there because of work or something.
i know for me personally, i don't start to drop until about two days after an intense scene and that means that Daddy is usually working and can't take all of the time that i want for Him to cuddle and watch movies with me. So i set up in the bed with my stuffies, my blankie, watch movies and eat my favorite snacks until He gets done. For me subdrop makes me tired and cranky, sometimes i will laugh and cry at the same time, at others i just feel like i have a really bad case of pms....other times i don't get subdrop at all. i never know when or if it's going to happen to me but i do know that i need to be prepared in case it does.
Another thing that most people don't even think about is Con drop, for those of us who go to and attend any type of large event that lasts more than a day then you will probably have some sort of energy drop from it. i know for me personally i crash out for a couple of days after a huge event. Most of the large events in this area are 3 1/2 to 4 days long with either dungeons or parties most nights or both, along with classes during the day. So we end up not getting a lot of sleep and we are expending a lot of energy during the day and night either seeing our friends, attending class or playing in the dungeon. At the end i'm usually pretty tired but the next day is when it really catches up with me.
One last note but the most important thing that you should remember, whether it be just regular subdrop or Con drop, please do NOT for any reason have major discussions during this time, people have a tendency to say and do things that they normally wouldn't do when their this droppy. Wait a few days and revisit the subject and see how you feel about things. i can't tell you the number of times that this has happened, that we have started a conversation on the ride home just to stop and say this might not be a great idea to discuss this right now, then pick it up a few days later from a fresh perspective and clear head. We have also done the opposite and had major discussions and them turn out to be horrible in the end when they normally wouldn't have been.
i hope that this has given you all some food for thought as you head out to your next event.
Okay, so you have decided that you want to be in this lifestyle, or you are already in this lifestyle but you haven't met others like you and you are ready. What do you do now?
There are several places to go that can give you great results depending on the area that you are in. For anyone wanting to begin this type of relationship though, honestly i would tell you to avoid looking for any online long distance Daddy/Mommy/Caregivers, these relationships are very hard to maintain and are extremely hard on littles. For a select few they can be rewarding but i must warn you that you never know who is on the other side of the computer screen and you could be hurt very badly from someone just playing head games.
The best place to start your search for a great community is in your own back yard and by that i mean, start by making a detailed profile on Fetlife.com with a current picture or pictures of yourself. (you can set these to friends only if you are worried about who will see them) Then search for groups in your area and join them. Under the EVENTS tab look for events near me and check out what local events are coming up soon and see if any look like they might be of interest to you. Look for a local Munch or Coffee Time (this is the best place to meet people in a low pressure setting before going out to any "play party").
My best advice to anyone starting out, is to get to know the leaders of the groups, make sure to ask lots of questions. Please remember that it is what they are there for, they are really great at giving out good information and pointing you in the right direction.
i would avoid anyone that tries to separate you from the group, these are usually the ones that are there to prey on the newbies and the ones that you want to avoid. If you are interested in going to a "play party" ask others to see if it has a good reputation for being SSC or RACK safe before going or if any of the members of the group will be there.
Before "playing " with anyone remember to have them vetted by at least three other people, and not just their friends. Talk with people and find out what they honestly think of them and how they treat the people that they play with before engaging in any type of "play" either privately or publicly. You don't want to get hurt either physically, mentally or emotionally by something that you are not ready for. Make sure that if you do decide to engage in "play" that you have a detailed negotiation with whoever you are "playing" with. This will lessen the chances of something going wrong with the scene and you will have a better experience all around.
Okay i posted earlier this week about aftercare bags but i didn't get into subdrop. Some people never experience it and for those of you that don't i'm really happy for you honestly i am, but for the rest of us here are some things that you may want to keep in mind. If you have never experienced subdrop it can be very hard on you the first time you go through it, and really confusing if no one has explained what you may or may not experience. Many of us do impact play in the course of our journey, either in a dungeon or in private it really doesn't matter. What matters is that your endorphins are raised really high during impact play of any kind. After they will start to drop dramatically within one to three days, this is called subdrop. This will often cause you to become more emotional and or sometimes slightly moody, it can feel almost like you are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. There have been times that i have been laughing and crying at the same time, at something that Daddy has said to me that i knew was supposed to be funny but it just hit me the wrong way and sent me into a tailspin of emotions. This can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days it really depends on you and how your body reacts. We are all different and you need to give yourself time to recover from the things that your mind and body has been through. Just like a scene can be a physical or emotional release, subdrop can be an emotional release as well. You may have to deal with things that you didn't even know were issues until you are going thru it. My best advice to you is to know yourself well and to be true to yourself, make sure to communicate your needs to your Daddy/Mommy very well so that they will know what you are going through and can help you to the best of their ablility. Have your favorite snacks on hand, along with your favorite stuffies and movies. These are all things that help to get most of us get through this thing called subdrop.